The Transformation of the Artist.
I must admit, I am nostalgic. I find it tremendously challenging to let go of people, experiences, ideas, images, and places. Why is it so difficult to let go? Is it the resistance of my mind seeking safety in the past time? I feel a strong desire to capture moments that have passed. The moment is gone, and at the same time, it is vibrantly alive within me, creating an overlay others cannot see. Maybe it is curiosity and the attractiveness of mystery that fascinates me.
What is wrong with me? Is there something I am unable to see? I need to capture what is happening inside of me. So finally, I decide to pick up a pen, open up a funky notebook, and fill the pages. Over time, I continued writing and created a small library filled with thoughts that previously occupied my mind. On paper, I released the resistance holding me back from accepting myself.
Writing reveals all parts of the mind. I discover an opening after every release; a source of inspiration comes from the inner voice revealing deeper truths, feelings, archetypes, and perceptions, expanding my awareness beyond the individual me. Again, I can see clearly.
Often, I wonder where the thoughts and words turning into sentences are coming from. The truth is, I don't know. I stumbled upon a new problem when I was unable to word certain feelings and experiences. So, I picked up the painting brush with a white canvas in front of me and various colors of paint on the side. I express what is beyond words, and it helps me process and transform what weighs me down.
The alchemist within awakens, and then a crazy thought pops up. For most of my life, I thought there was something wrong with me. I was unable to fit in and lost my creativity in the process of socialization. It might sound crazy, but what if nothing is wrong with me? Maybe I am meant to create art. All I need is the courage to pick up the pen or paintbrush to express what is lurking inside and symbolize the past giving it meaning in the present.
Inside there is a priceless gift, the ability to transform suffering into beauty. Now I remember who I am. Whenever I feel crazy, I remind myself that now is an incredible opportunity to create with my greatest ally, the source of all life.
And so the ego and the Spirit, the temporal and the Eternal, the finite and the Infinite unite, overlapping as two circles creating the seed of life. The center point where all creation comes from. The inner eye awakens and sees artwork on a blank canvas and a memoir in empty notebooks.
Acrylic on canvas “Vleugels” © Sanne Ham