The Journey to Forgiveness.
Forgiveness is loving humanity with a gentle embrace. It’s the Soul’s permission to let go of judgments of right and wrong to start anew.
When there is no right or wrong, you are left with choices. We can only make choices with the awareness we have in each moment. Maybe wanting to know the future comes from the fear of making mistakes. Perhaps I fear doing something wrong, letting people down, or feeling disappointment. My intelligent mind can devise infinite ways to prevent future hurt by holding onto the past. I create resistance to letting go because I don’t want to surrender my concerns, failures, and betrayals. What if it happens again?
All I need is a safe space to feel, so the hurt stuck in the past can come to the surface again. It’s the process of moving from dishonesty into intimacy, from falseness into the truth and understanding. It’s not going off into a place of love and light that is wonderful but holding the dark aspects and memories resurfacing with love and unconditional presence while recognizing its light. Not making what happened right or wrong, but acknowledging what happened while validating how I feel according to what happened.
I can feel anything, but I can’t do anything wrong. A relief, an exhale unfolds, a narrative changes. I am letting go of stories I have been carrying for a long time. It’s time for new stories to tell, chapters to write, and journeys to embark on. Archetypes are changing, and ideas are transforming. I am releasing limitations I cannot see.
Completion occurs when I become aware of the grudges and judgments I carry from the past into the present and choose to let go of the hurt. Only not by pushing it away. It’s the opposite of separation; I bring the parts of self and others closer, feeling the pain while seeking to understand what happened. I witness the emotional themes, repeated patterns, and life paths leading to the hurt with the light of awareness.
Understanding deepens through glimpses of insight, allowing the puzzle pieces to settle into place. I need to let go of my analytical mind, who wants to problem solve, and gently I drop into my heart space, allowing myself to feel because true understanding comes through feeling. I don’t have to work for it or figure it out. It requires nothing from me but my presence, and maybe this is what makes forgiveness so challenging. It is a complete letting go of control, a surrender into a greater truth beyond the human concepts of right and wrong.
I am no longer better or less than others. The victim, the villain, and the hero are no longer separate. A story of justification I have been carrying for a long time loses its grip, I let go. My inner rebel finally finds the peace, happiness, and stillness she longs for. What she wants no longer is in the distance. It’s here right now.
A wave of grief and regret flows through me. It’s been over a decade; I have been running away from the powerlessness I feel inside, trying to be good, escaping feeling bad, and believing stories and perceptions of self and others rooted in falsehood. I sense the story originates deep into early childhood and even further beyond my individual life.
When I forgive and allow myself to receive forgiveness, I set myself free from the pain of the past and the struggle for a better future. Life becomes lighter, not better or easier.
Finally, it feels safe to be free.
"Divine Messenger" acrylic on wooden panel, inspired by my grandfather's transition from life to death.
© Sanne Ham